The first item on my 45 Things list is to perform a spoken word piece of writing. It just so happened that there was an event happening a few weeks after I created the list where local writers read their pieces to other writers and members of the public. With hesitation and some urging from my friend, I signed up (shoutout to Becky!). Perhaps it was too soon for me to present my writing, but I felt good about checking off the thing and just doing it even though I wasn’t totally completely.
I picked out the two pieces I wanted to read – personal essays about one of my bike trips. They weren’t perfect by any means, but the stories were solid and I liked writing them. They weren’t completely flushed out, though, so I wasn’t completely confident in them. Sometimes I find it difficult to edit my pieces, to go back and read what I wrote without cringing. However, I lightly edited them both and practiced a few times reading them out loud. In the privacy of my house, after my daughter went to bed, I felt like I read eloquently, slowly and clearly. I knew, though, that it would be much harder to do in front of an audience with my nerves being inevitably shaky.
The night came and I felt ready. Sort of. I put on a dress, did my hair and make-up and got ready to go. However, my 3yo daughter decided that she needed my attention and did various strange actions that bewildered me to a high degree. She must have known something was up because I was nervous and was actually paying attention to myself and not her. My regular babysitter was unavailable so I got a new-ish babysitter to come and watch my child and I felt bad leaving my out-of-control child with the new babysitter, but she didn’t seem phased by it. So I waved goodbye and left.
I got to the event pretty early and sat with some other writers, and my friend who had talked me into participating in the event. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that she did! I might have chickened out if it hadn’t been for her pushiness… I mean, nudging!
Being second-last has it’s pros and cons. I got to listen to a bunch of writers and understand how my writing fits into the whole event. However, I was on edge basically the whole time and went through many emotions waiting for my turn. There were some fantastic writers and they were all very different from one another. I thoroughly enjoyed the different genres and styles of the writers. It was a fantastic event. Unfortunately, or fortunately for me, there was an event going on where a well-known writer was presenting his latest work. If the audience had been bigger I might have been even more nervous!
When it came to my turn, I took a deep breath and started out reading slowly, eloquently, and clearly. However, as my story went on, I became embarrassed. There was a time in my life where I felt confident in my writing; I felt like I had an important perspective and a unique way of presenting words. However, on this night I felt no confidence in my writing or my ability as a performer. As these thoughts and emotions were going through my head, I started reading faster and faster. I just wanted to get it over with. By the end, I was so relieved that it was over. I left the microphone and breathed for the first time in however long my pieces were. I’ve been told it was a little fast, but it wasn’t too bad and that the audience really enjoyed my pieces so that helps (shoutout to Becky!).
Looking back, I’m so happy I did it and the negative emotions that went along with the night have dissipated and left is a general contentment of my work and my performance. Something that this did, though, is encourage me to edit my work and pretend like I was going to perform it in front of people. I can now think to myself, “Will people understand what I am trying to say?” This will make me a better writer and more confident in myself as a creative person.
But also, thank goodness it’s over!